Helping_the_Wife_to_Understand

So now back to the way you are thinking or trying to figure out how your going to deal with this new issue in your life. If you have had all these thoughts because you found out your husband is a crossdresser imagine what all your husband has gone through tying to keep all his friends, relatives, children and you from finding out about his life long secret. The fear of someone finding out that you are a crossdresser is so intense it can put you in a state of depression for a long time. It can change how you live trying to hide the fact you are a crossdresser from the world. I know this first hand and I wish I would have never been born with this as part of my life. But then again if I hadn't been born with it I may not be the person I am today. Your husband has had to deal with all the thoughts you have had since you found out he was a crossdresser all his life not just for the past couple days you have found out or weeks or months. The thought of his wife discovering his life long secret has haunted him from the very first day you and he were married let alone all the days and years of being together before being married. The torture he has gone through all these years worrying if you would leave him or divorce him if you found out has probably been so great it was at times hard for him to hide his fear. He may have once in a while gone into a shell to get away from the horror of loosing the one woman he has loved for so long let alone worrying about what his children will do if they ever found out. I want to stress to you that your husband most likely is not gay, a Homo or crazy. He is the same person you married and had children together with. The only difference now is you know what he has known all his life. Now you will have the opportunity to help your husband deal with this life long secret. Don't judge him because he was born with this as part of him help him and let it become part of your life. The biggest thing he needs right now is your assurance that you will not judge him or think of him as queer, gay or crazy. Enjoy this with him, just because you have found out he is a crossdresser and threaten him with leaving or divorcing him or telling everyone he knows is not going to stop something that is a part of his life, something that makes him, him. That's like him asking you to stop breathing for a whole week if you love him. Your not going to do it, you'll die. This is basically what would happen to him, his life wouldn't stop but your knowing him as he is will be a lot different, you will not know him as you know him now. In time he will change, his personally, style of life, behavior, characteristics, the way he treats you, his understanding, the way he cares for his children, his concern for family, his tenderness, and passion. All these traits and characteristics steam from his Crossdressing life and the reason you feel in love with him and married him and had your children together. If he had not been born with this desire to crossdress you probably would not have fallen in love with him and married. You may not have even paid any attention to him at all, you may not have even met him. It's not like trying to break an addiction to drugs or dry out from alcohol. these are habits you pick up in life and not born with, big big difference.

I'm not a Doctor or a Psychologist or any kind of researcher. Some of the things I say in this attempt to help you understand may not be exactly right but are in close proximity. Every thing I say in this attempt is from my own experience and from what I have read on the Internet and in books on the subject. Most of what I say is from my heart and from my own experience in my life. The best teacher in life are your own experiences, kind a like on the job training so to speak.

When my wife found out I was a crossdresser I thought I was going to die on the spot.

My heart pounded so hard I thought it was going to burst right there in the bedroom. I have never been more afraid of anything in my life as I was about loosing the one woman I loved and has been a part of my life for so long. My wife loves me, this is one thing I know for sure because she excepted the fact of what I do and who I am. Her finding out didn't change who I was, I was no different then I was a couple of days before she found out. The only difference now is she knows my life long secret and helps me deal with it by helping me. She said we can have a lot of fun with this together and we do. she goes out with me when I'm dressed in drag and we have a great time. Of course we only go to places where we are welcome for right now, but as I get braver we will eventually venture out to places that are more public. She supports me 100% in the Crossdressing part of my life. We have fun together, she tell me if my outfits are good or bad. She doesn't pass judgement on me because I am a little different then other men. I am no where even close to being gay, queer or bisexual. I am 100% man and have an excellent Husband wife relationship. I still live with the fear of my children finding out as well as my Sisters, Brothers, Mother, relatives and all my friends. I pray no one else finds out my life long secret because I don't know how they would take it. I was lucky when my wife found out because she has a very open mind and understands. I wish that all husbands were lucky enough to have a wife like I have.

Become a part of your husbands Crossdressing life and have fun with it, he isn't any different then he was yesterday or last year. He is still himself. You are the one that will make the difference in your's and his life if you judge him for something he was born with and really has no control over. The urge and want is uncontrollable sometimes to crossdress and it is just something we have to do. No Doctor, you, I or anyone else not even he himself can change that. If you can make the adjustment to your husbands need to crossdress you and he can have some fabulous times together. Go out and see just how many others you and he can make believe the illusion he is projecting. You can dress in drag as a man and change roles, that's always loads of fun. Your dressing as a man would be no different then you wearing men's clothes any other time that you have in your life. Woman do it all the time and nothing is ever said because it the norm as woman's fashion. You can go out dress as the woman you are and fool others into thinking your a lesbian couple. But you don't do any of these things where you'll be recognized by yours or his regular friends. If you stay home and let your husband go out all by himself all the time you'll get this feeling that he may become gay hanging around with other crossdresser's. This can and does lead to families breaking up because the wife begin's thinking her husband is gay due to the fact he spend more time with other crossdresser's. He does this because he likes to go out in drag and doesn't like to go by himself. He likes to have others with him in drag, sometimes as a safe harbor or just to have a little more fun. When the wife accepts the fact that her husband is a crossdresser they tend to spend more time with each other and this make the marriage an even tighter bond between them. Going out with your husband while he is in drag also gives you the chance to meet his Crossdressing friends and see for yourself how they relate together when they're out. As far as your husband turning gay because he goes out with other crossdresser's will more then likely not happen. This again doesn't happen unless he already has those tendencies which only a small percentage do and your husband is most likely in the percentage that do not have Gay tendencies. They just don't go out with each other and turn gay, it's not like that believe me. Other crossdresser's have the same fear as you and your husband but they are trying to deal with it and live with something that they cannot really control. Most Crossdresser's live their lives just like I described and no one ever finds out about their secret. A majority hate themselves for Crossdressing, and hate always having the fear of being discovered but still crossdress because the urge is to great to stop. Most accept what they are and who they are and learn to adapt and live with it all their lives, they really have no choice.

I realize that I am repeating my self quite a bit but I really want to get this factors across to you, the Wives

Just because a man crossdresses, and wears women's clothes doesn't make him a transsexual, gay or bisexual in any way. There's a real big difference in a man who crossdresses and wants to become a full time woman with surgery or just live like a woman full time. Real big difference.

If you think about it, your husband has probably experienced the hardest hardship that anyone will ever have to deal with all his life. That is keeping his Crossdressing life a secret from the whole world. It's torture, and a devastating experience no man or woman should have to deal with but have no recourse but to deal with it. It is a big job keeping this from love ones and friends. Only being able to do what is a part of you when ever you can get a chance. To be so fearful of someone finding out, always living in the closet, missing sometimes family events just so you can take care of an urge which is uncontrollable. Lot's of times I have missed some of my children's events just so I could get the chance to crossdress just for an hour or maybe two. I really wanted to go attend my children's events or relatives party's or friends parties but the want and need to crossdress just becomes more important then anything else at times. I think you will find that if you can except and adjust to the need that your husband has had all his life your life will change as well as his for the better. He will not have to wait until he is alone to take care of that uncontrollable urge., You can help him and together your lives will become a better way of life. You'll find that you and he will attend more functions together and more children's events together because the need to be able to find the time to take care of the urge is now no longer a problem. You will enjoy his life and your life a lot more being together and sharing his secret. It is probably one of the most important things in your husbands life for you to be able to except him for who and what he is and share in his other world. Think about it and don't pass judgement so quickly. It could be the worst decision you could ever make.

Let me try to help you understand how we act when we get dressed in drag. First these are my feelings on this subject and no one else's. We're dressed as a woman in our women's finest so we try to take on the habits of a woman as far as actions, walking, posing, sitting, spoken word etc.. It's just part of the illusion we create while we're in drag. It doesn't mean that we are turning gay or bisexual. We think of ourselves as acting a little part and trying to make others believe we may be the illusion we project. But at that same time we never loose sight that we are still men at least I don't and I feel other crossdresser are the same. When I'm dressed I do my best to be Michelle Lynn GreyFeather, it's that simple I become an actor in a part, it's just that simple. When I'm dressed as my genetic self I don't need to act, that's who I am. My hope is that someday I can act the role as Michelle as well as I am my genetic self. Not because I'm turning gay or becoming a bisexual but because I want to portray the role as best as possible. It's all just part of what we were born with. I'm 100% man, not gay, not transsexual and not bisexual and I dare anyone to tell me different to my face. I have no gay tendencies or bisexual wishes and probably never will. I'm just being Me as is your husband being himself.

The one other thing your husband will need your help with is to help him keep this secret form anyone else. Now you know his secret you must understand that it is very important to him and you to be able to maintain this secret from others. If your husband wants to let others know about his Crossdressing life allow him to be the one to tell. Don't, and I cannot stress this enough, don't take it upon yourself to tell anyone your husbands life long painful secret. Don't let your husband be literally afraid to look anyone in the face for fear he thinks you have pass his secret on to them. The one thing you must do is to gain your husbands trust and let him know he has nothing to worry about, about you telling anyone what you know. Give him your love and devotion and trust. He needs it now more then ever.

I hope I have been of some help to the wives who recently found out about their husbands secret identity and helped them to except something that their husband was born with and just not picked up a couple of days or years ago. Crossdressing is one of the most misunderstood life signatures I have ever come across, I know first hand. People ridicule, poke fun at and pass judgement on someone for something they have no understanding about. These people make it really tough on the Crossdressing community of the world. They force us to hide who we are for fear of being run out of town so to speak, humiliated and called something we aren't.

Perhaps maybe we are the beginning of a new human species, who knows. I would say 95% of crossdresser's are not gay, bisexual or crazy, unless they are transsexuals or gay to begin with. But that is still no reason to ridicule or pass judgement on them because they are just being themselves, that is who they are, their genetic selves, that has been proven as far as that goes, by scientist from what I have read.

Lets go just one step further. Lets take a look at this at another angle. When you wear your husbands clothes, his jeans, sweat shirts, socks, shirts, suits, ties, underwear or anything your husband wears, are you considered to be gay, bisexual or lesbian. No. Why? Because it been something the female population of this world has done for Eons. Not one thing is thought about it. It is considered to just be plain female fashion. But you let a man put a dress on or anything feminine and right away he is labeled queer, gay, bisexual, you name it. Why is this? My feeling is that the man population of some of this world has never even considered the fact of wearing a dress for fashion. It is considered to be unmanly. But in reality there is no difference that I can see, of course I'm a crossdresser but that has no bearing on this issue. Take a look at the Chinese, Japanese, and Korean, the men of that culture wear dresses all the time, the only difference is they are made for the men of that culture, but by the same token they are still dresses none the less. Many many times you can not tell a man's dress from a women's dress in that culture because there is no difference at times. Some of he same dresses women wear men wear but the only difference is that the zipper or closure is on the opposite side of the dress or fashion. The men of those cultures have been ridiculed, poked fun at, called queer, gay, and bisexual since the discovery of their cultures centuries ago and even in today's world the men of those cultures are still called these names because the western world man didn't and some still do not know their culture or fashions. Just a paragraph point of interest.

Thanks for taking time to read this. Please let me know what you think after reading my attempt to help. If you have any questions please feel free to E-mail me and I will answer you promptly, and if I cannot help you find an answer I will direct you to someone who can.

Sincerely,

Michelle Lynn GreyFeather

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